Hypothetical situation: My boss snaps at me. I am hurt and taken aback. I am also irritated, but I cannot express that because it is, after all, my boss. Most of all, I am now anxious. Is it me? This is such a destabilizing and yet important question. I want to sort this out quickly because my rocketing anxiety makes it hard to think clearly. Did I behave offensively? I might have been out of line. It can happen. I might be off track for any number of reasons. I’m only human. Because this is important, I decide to journal about it, hoping to get some clarity, and maybe I’ll talk it over with a friend. I wonder if this is a good time to call my old therapist? My job is important and I don’t want to blow it.
Yet also, I don’t want to assume it is me. It might be wise to take an observant look at my boss. Has s/he ever snapped at anyone else? Does he/she have an irritable streak, a history of barking at people? Do I happen to know that s/he is under a lot of strain due to the job, a divorce, a child in jail, in hospital…? Bottom line: is this a boss who triumphs in putting others down, or someone who really cares about worker well-being?
If my observations tell me that this is a ‘safe’ boss, I might mildly say to him/her: “Yesterday, in the hall, I heard you say in a sharp tone of voice, ‘Well, step it up!!’ Can we talk about this? I’d like to understand what I am doing that is not working for you. I’d like to clear the air between us.” That would be a grown-up approach, right? People have these conversations, and all that is necessary is courage and a modicum of faith that the other person is generally reasonable—that the other person is, in fact, able to come from a developed place.
However, some bosses are bullies, and bullies are not safe people with whom to be vulnerable. Bullies are unable to have this kind of sensible conversation because, emotionally, bullies are still back in grade school feeling big by making others feel small. If I identify that my boss is a bully, based on observations of behavior or reliable report, then I am FREE to (silently) shout, “It is NOT about me!” I can lean into this Recovery Movement saying: I didn’t cause it. I can’t fix it. It’s not about me. How delightful! Once I’ve realized that, I can calm my anxious inner voice by (silently) chanting, “I didn’t cause it. I can’t fix it. It’s not about me.” My goal then becomes to STOP taking it personally and just slide away. Q-TIP (another Recovery acronym) might apply: Quit Taking It Personally!
Both these snippets from the Recovery Movement may also be useful when thinking of dastardly deeds by friends and relatives. People act out pain in hurtful ways, and everybody has pain. All blessings to those of us who strive (not spectacularly successfully) to own our behavior without hurting others! Yet “not hurting others” can’t be a life goal because, duh, you might not love the person who loves you, and you cannot avoid hurting him or her by kindly and truthfully letting them know that their desires are not reciprocated. If we are truly being ourselves, we are going to disappoint others All. The. Time. People’s tender feelings will be hurt.
Like mine, right now, because the boss snapped at me and I didn’t do anything to merit that. I have journaled, talked it over with a friend, and had a quick phone session with my therapist. I ‘get it’ as best I can: we have all been under a lot of pressure in the workplace, and irritation tends to trickle downhill. I’ve been distracted by a couple of health issues in the family, so I haven’t been at my best. My boss isn’t a bully, but she also doesn’t suffer fools gladly. I’ve asked for five minutes of her time and will use the DEAR MAN formula, from DBT, to get the most from those five minutes. I’m still anxious because this is not an even playing field (i.e., my boss has power over me) and I don’t have an angel of God standing before me, promising everything will be fine. But also, I feel stabilized by talking over the situation and developing an “action plan”. I think this will work out.
* DBT stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. Google “DBT Dear Man” to look at/ download this helpful guide to structuring difficult conversations.
Yet also, I don’t want to assume it is me. It might be wise to take an observant look at my boss. Has s/he ever snapped at anyone else? Does he/she have an irritable streak, a history of barking at people? Do I happen to know that s/he is under a lot of strain due to the job, a divorce, a child in jail, in hospital…? Bottom line: is this a boss who triumphs in putting others down, or someone who really cares about worker well-being?
If my observations tell me that this is a ‘safe’ boss, I might mildly say to him/her: “Yesterday, in the hall, I heard you say in a sharp tone of voice, ‘Well, step it up!!’ Can we talk about this? I’d like to understand what I am doing that is not working for you. I’d like to clear the air between us.” That would be a grown-up approach, right? People have these conversations, and all that is necessary is courage and a modicum of faith that the other person is generally reasonable—that the other person is, in fact, able to come from a developed place.
However, some bosses are bullies, and bullies are not safe people with whom to be vulnerable. Bullies are unable to have this kind of sensible conversation because, emotionally, bullies are still back in grade school feeling big by making others feel small. If I identify that my boss is a bully, based on observations of behavior or reliable report, then I am FREE to (silently) shout, “It is NOT about me!” I can lean into this Recovery Movement saying: I didn’t cause it. I can’t fix it. It’s not about me. How delightful! Once I’ve realized that, I can calm my anxious inner voice by (silently) chanting, “I didn’t cause it. I can’t fix it. It’s not about me.” My goal then becomes to STOP taking it personally and just slide away. Q-TIP (another Recovery acronym) might apply: Quit Taking It Personally!
Both these snippets from the Recovery Movement may also be useful when thinking of dastardly deeds by friends and relatives. People act out pain in hurtful ways, and everybody has pain. All blessings to those of us who strive (not spectacularly successfully) to own our behavior without hurting others! Yet “not hurting others” can’t be a life goal because, duh, you might not love the person who loves you, and you cannot avoid hurting him or her by kindly and truthfully letting them know that their desires are not reciprocated. If we are truly being ourselves, we are going to disappoint others All. The. Time. People’s tender feelings will be hurt.
Like mine, right now, because the boss snapped at me and I didn’t do anything to merit that. I have journaled, talked it over with a friend, and had a quick phone session with my therapist. I ‘get it’ as best I can: we have all been under a lot of pressure in the workplace, and irritation tends to trickle downhill. I’ve been distracted by a couple of health issues in the family, so I haven’t been at my best. My boss isn’t a bully, but she also doesn’t suffer fools gladly. I’ve asked for five minutes of her time and will use the DEAR MAN formula, from DBT, to get the most from those five minutes. I’m still anxious because this is not an even playing field (i.e., my boss has power over me) and I don’t have an angel of God standing before me, promising everything will be fine. But also, I feel stabilized by talking over the situation and developing an “action plan”. I think this will work out.
* DBT stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. Google “DBT Dear Man” to look at/ download this helpful guide to structuring difficult conversations.
